When you can't forgive yourself how do you move on? How do you recover from an incident that you caused? I'm not talking on a small scale here, I'm talking grand! I'm talking something that's just so overwhelmingly life affecting that you're just stuck for years trying to get right again and that's why you end up in therapy and talk about how you should forgive yourself. It is something that's happened to you so you learn, you go on, you try to incorporate yourself back in the life as best you can but the reality is you can't because there is a cloud drifting around, seeping into you clogging your thoughts and fogging over your eyes from anything else that you could and want to see. It's this dream scenario that constantly replaying in your head over and over again and what's worse is because it's been so long, and depending on whether it is a one-time incident or events that occurred over time, it constantly nibbles at you. You try to face it though as you should but then the onslaught comes so you back down but it does not. It continues to remind what happened and why you're here in the first place. How can you ever possibly recover from this? How do you forgive yourself?
Maybe you don't. Maybe you just learn to live with it. Maybe you push it aside or make up an excuse but in the end, maybe you're able to move on a bit and then with that ability of you moving on you've been able to adjust and learn what it is that you did in the first place. It is with this first bit of clarity, this first time being able to actually analyze and look at what happened with a different and opened perspective. Is this the first step in how you forgive yourself maybe you have to push through and just not forgive yourself blame yourself on it and then with that I is when you realize maybe it wasn't so bad or she I fucked up but I'm not going to do it again. forgiveness is a weird thing because they say you should forgive and forget but the reality is you're never going to forget because if you forget any given this is context if you forget how you going to remember later to avoid it or do it again yeah I know whether you're the person that needs to do the forgiving and then forgetting or whether you're the person that has to forgive themselves.
I guess that's the reality of forgiveness is that everyone thinks if you forgive you have to forget but forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting. Forgiveness has to do with acceptance. forgiveness is the act of acknowledging what happened by either party and saying it's done, we were affected and we can carry on. it doesn't mean that everything is over or that there's not a lasting impact because the lessons from whatever occurred have to still be applied. you still need to learn from what happened because if you don't then you're just right back where you're at there might not be forgetting us the next time. so what I ask of you is that you try to forgive others no matter what 'cause the reality is that is far easier to forgive others than yourself. it's in that forgiveness of others that you learn how to forgive yourself and I mean truly forgive. You're either still able to communicate with these people or that the passing memories are just that and it's either a lesson learned, better times remembered or just not even a blip at all. I guess at the end of it all, the entire point of forgiveness is a try because the reality is that varies so much from person to person and all you can do is try. Try and to get through, to make sure we all get through and come out on the other side than we were.
When it happens it hits hard, harder than you can imagine whether it's something in high school, amicable but not easy or nasty and drawn out to no end, there will be stains or better yet scars that you cannot get rid of. We'll try though won't we? To end we are going to cut off what we can, disappear from the routines we once had and no longer visit those spots we once cherished. Shows, songs, artists, movies, locations, adventures and even whole cities possibly just gone and wiped from memory as best we can. To be nothing more than lingering ghosts that come and fade away like a thin veil of fog in the morning. Still dark that the cloudy covered headlights make out what's there just before you pass through it and like that it's gone again. It lasts so long though and while it is something that seems to come and go, it lingers around for a bit and just as you think you're out of it, another morning another drive. What did you give up? Did you ever get back to it?
For me, there's a nice lists of songs that I actually very purposefully listened to just to cry. Felt better like I wasn't keeping it all inside just to mess shit up later that day. If it was not on my time, when would it hit so I took control. I was not aware that this was my first step in becoming who I am today. That it was knowing there and then I was not going to let my grief and depression control my life, well entirely. It wasn't like I gave up anything great, just my favorite show of all time, a few special places that I have been back to, but mainly construction did not leave it quite as I remembered so nothing there is really the same for me. Ah yes, that show...well, the music. I mean, it's like Elton John sang,
"Turn on those sad songs when all hope is gone...and it feels so good to hurt so bad and suffer just enough to sing the blues."
First step to solving the problem is addressing you got one. I never did let my boys see me weak, never intentionally at least. I am still human, I still held them close and did what I could but I knew what I had to live for. What I had to crawl out for and it may have taken me several years, but here I am. Unfortunately like any Millennial I can still be TRIGGERED but hey, can't heal everything right and of course those are a little closer to the heart and two little monsters I have. Still it's nice to listen and sing along as I once did reflecting more on what those songs represent and how they got me through something and no longer relying on their essence? to get me through the day. I don't cry. I reflect, I ponder and I regret (tune into my Instagram @bluardec for thoughts on that) but I do not cry anymore, about that. Jimmy Eat World is still the artist of my life. They woke up something inside of me when I came back from Italy, they helped map and scribe my life in college only to come back for strong reunion some years ago feeling me with everything I felt that fateful Veteran's Day. There was always something to define the day, month, the rebuild, the hard nights, the random adventures, the change that come sundown after a night drive the world we loved was forever gone.
With all that I am back to low skips, just depends on the mood, and jamming along to something smooth, soft, heavy, snappy and even occasionally some twang. To be honest, there wasn't a lot lot I wouldn't watch, just movies I watched for the same reason I listened to certain songs. Nothing ever really was like that except one. I won't go into details but before it goes off Netflix I should probably binge several times. I mean, I have all 10 seasons on DVD anyhow, what kind of FRIENDS would be if I didn't have both each box set and collector's edition set with all 10 seasons. Could I be any more into it? Probably. I may have went to a few trivia nights and dominated but whatever. It's not like i used freshwater eel for help. It has actually been almost 3 years since I tried and couldn't get through the 1st season. It is beyond stupid and honestly I could binge it now but with The Boys, Jessica Jones (I'm so behind but does it really matter now?) and other shows I just don't chill and watch something I have memorized. Still though, it was thing and now it's not.
Young men make points so here's the thing, you are going to have scars. You are going to try to hide them and they are going to burden you for a time but you will learn that they are a part of you and there to remind you of what happened in the first place. Do not hide them, face them and if need be make sure others no because old wounds can open and fester if not acknowledged. Things happen, we have a footprint and realize it is not the end. It is never the end. We are immortal before our time, so make sure that time is allowed to continue for as long as it can go. Enjoy yourself, rise above and keep up that positive mental attitude.
Seriously though, if you made it through this and have an Instagram, come follow me @bluardec where I try my best are big messages in small entries.
My mom that is. She was right. She generally is but I'll never admit it. Think she reads these? Honestly she could and would never mention it. She's ninja like that but it's all good since all her wisdom pours out post game. She also could have read one cuss word then stopped after that so I feel pretty safe.
Then again I will admit, on her being right again, that even if she told me the mistakes I would make that I wouldn't listen and just make them anyhow. It was those mistakes though that got me here today. It was those mistakes that blessed me with two amazing clones and a life I could never imagine, good and bad.
Askreddit almost weekly has a time travel question and I think back to About Time, which is the most disguised chick flick to see how emotional a man truly is, which *spoiler alert* is about a guy that can travel back in time as many times as he wants except after the birth of his first born because going back does not guarantee the same outcome. He does all this work though to meet the love of his life, set it up right, be together and then his father gets sick and they both have this power. They both constantly travel to spend more time with each other but as the present continues and he now has a son on the way, he can't keep going back to spend time with his dad. Once that has passed, it's just about time til the end comes. What's your gamble to lose what you have now? Maybe it's not much, I can't say but as a parent there is no gamble worth making that risk. We have seen Ashton Kutcher wreck lives over and over. I am not a genius level superhero trying to save the universe either. I am me and I love them so much that, hey, it's fate. Schizer, there's that word again. It's the thing about being a parent though that no matter what you are going to live the life you have now to the best of your ability. It just so happens that lately with the life I am living it is the best one to be living not because I have to or even just adopting to it but rather I have had the freedom to rediscover myself. I was able to see what I needed and this is it. I needed this. I needed my mom to be right. Well, i needed something to happen for her to be right about.
Yeah, it's kinda like that. There is a difference. I am far more aware of who I am, what I want and how to go about getting it. I mean, even Genghis Khan might have issues with these walls. I may be happy, appear like everything is great, pst it really is! and I may be a bit extra with the Positive Mental Attitude but the truth is I have the false confidence of a chihuahua. No details, but it is what it is as I continue to get through life and break out. Luckily I have some great new friends, always reliable Brats and just recent events have shown me I may need to lower the level a bit. Hook some ladders and install some gates. Maybe I'll be more comfortable in my own skin, more comfortable when I go out and actually interact. I've been playing it safe but that's what we all do right? Like an animal out of hibernation you kinda poke your head out a bit, smell the air and see what's changed. A lot has changed. A lot is changing. I said last year this would be a year of change. 2019 was going to be mine and I would not hit repeat on 2020. At this rate, I have no clue what 2020 will be other than nothing like 2018 and a whole lot of great influence of 2019.
I think I came into this wrong because all I wanted to say was my mom was right and I am definitely ok with that.
Happiness comes in small doses. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you love it, let it go. So many little sayings I have never been a big fan of. Small doses makes sense in some aspect, like this. I am getting back into my groove because I have no fucking clue what I am doing here and therefore taking it in stride. An entry here and there not to mention my micro posts on Instagram spread out, not forced. Check it out @bluardec, ya know, if you like that sort of thing. It's like this but TL;DR. On the note about my cluelessness I want to talk about me. Not everything is a lesson, right? Sometimes things can just be reflection of the events in our lives and what we take or you take is up to you. Sometimes there is a lesson and other times it just a moment to enjoy. I want to enjoy these moments. I want to be able to look back and laugh, enjoy and reminisce.
I was looking back on my Instagram today actually, seeing the slow start of this and @Bluardec only to realize my Instagram started off really slow. I was single digits well into double digit posts. Half naked women help and shooting concerts seem to be more popular than abandoned but it is growing. The thing is, I don't care. While I would love for this to turn into...well something, it's going to take time to get there. For now, my life has so much different than it was over a decade when I regularly kept a journal and even different from just a couple years ago. It's positive. I feel every time I used to write it was about something wrong in my life and here I am writing about my happiness. I'll tell a story next time, let me ramble for now. I am happy and it is not one single incident. It's not what I know you all, all 7 now, are thinking. It helps, don't get me wrong but I was happy before. I have been happy for awhile. Maybe it's just that the light is getting brighter, the air is a bit fresher, the giggles echoing louder and the time spent is so simple yet significant because that is what I have wanted for so long. Maybe it's having a great job, losing weight, rediscovering things I love, doing things without resistance and just being me for once in a long time.
Time. It is truly a precious gift and yet we spend it so freely like there is an abundance. Maybe in my old age I have come to realize things or maybe it's the many experience in my youthfulness that show how quickly things can come and go. How time is ever fleeting and we really need to understand and enjoy what has been given to us. Don't be reckless with other people's time. Don't put up with those who are reckless with yours. If you recognized that, you're old enough for us to be friends. Haha. Still, it holds true because your time is precious. I wasted so much of it, not with her, but waiting. Never ending hope that something can change, that she can change and get her shit together. That is no longer my concern. You cannot erase memories and you should not erase the good ones despite how tainted you think they are. It is all time. Time to heal, to experience and thrive despite what fa...life has thrown at you. We need our alone time. We need our healing. We need our hobbies and we need out outings. Por qué no los...cuatro? This is my advice I extend to me. This is what I would tell young me that despite the hurt and the pain you go through, remember when you took a break? Remember how no matter what you had to do, you made time for yourself? You would watch some TV, play a few games or just chill and get lost in your thoughts. I worked 2 jobs and went to school full time. I had essentially 2 days off, Tuesday to Thursday evening but that was for school while the other days were back to back jobs and 4-6hrs of sleep but dammit if I didn't enjoy a couple hours of freedom to maintain sanity. Sure I was tired and sleep deprived but I was young and vivacious. I had a life to live and I know I screwed up. I know I flunked out of college, lost the scholarship and so many things that were making life easy but I could either take the time to recover or dive back in and recover as I went along.
Here I am now remembering that, albeit a bit late, but never the less owning it so that no matter what happens it is not the end. This is still very much the beginning of everything with a few side paths I am keeping an eye on. Hell, I have even applied for new jobs. Suicidal I know since school starts next month, accepted for a graduate's in Public Relations thank you, and just with everything else but I'm good. My happiness is no longer based on just what I want to do, well rather what I want to do no longer requires just me. Sometimes there is simplicity in company. Sometimes you don't need even need the company or it's not physical. Mostly I just stay up really late and wake up early but it's a nice notion that all things can be broke down so easily. Seriously though., Fortnite and mobile games are about to take backseat to school for a couple of years and my free time will be taken plenty by the loves of my life. I have plans again. It's nice to have plans. I haven't had plans in forever! Do you remember this future me? Are we still there? Did the PMA stay intact? I hope so.
I took the "small doses" note to write about later on an entirely different topic. This was not suppose to be about me, I don't write about me, not blatantly at least and yet here we are. Rambling about nothing, that I am loving life and enjoying my time. That I don't have any to waste but it does not mean I won't invest. That's my own gamble. That's your gamble. Is the juice worth the squeeze? You can only hope because you won't know til you try. You have to take risks. Your time is yours but like money, if you want more or you want to enjoy it more you gotta risk it for the biscuit. You have to invest and hope that return is worth it, even if it's not for the long run or not how you thought your long run would turn out, you plan and damn well make sure you enjoy. I've enjoyed it and there is still so much more to come. As much as time flies, it really crawl and here I wait for news on jobs, moving and when I will get to use Fiverr finally! Well, I have been dabbling a bit int hat field, maybe I can just do it myself. Always fancied myself a true artist of many forms and I am never one to let others do my work. Hell, I would have shot my own wedding if I could. Only 2 cameras then.
*cough* Which one? *cough*
No no, it doesn't mean you have to hunt for ghosts forever or that your fleeting dreams are something that should not be let go. By all means, if everything was so easily attainable then what would be the point of anything? If it was all so easy, I personally do not think I could do it. It's not so much that I look for the challenge, I just try not to let it get in the way. No, I am not Pete and going to join the UFC buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut...well now I am getting too specific and as said I am still hunting ghosts. It takes time and I have a lot of it, until I don't. That actual can swing two ways but then I would consistently not be consistent in my topics which I am trying be for once.
You can chase...ghosts, all you want. Ghosts can be whatever you want it to be. Something lost, something that was taken from you and lacked the consistency you once relied on. For me, that was few things and only a few understand the depths of which that goes. So what do we find consistency in? What is that we can rely on without disappoint? I don't know. Was I suppose to have an answer? Hope not because I've got nothing for you. I mean, the reality of this is that it is not for you. Not yet. Maybe some day, I would like that. For now, this is for me and you to come along. Perhaps there is something you can pick out. That's the most I can hope for but until then, let's explore my consistency.
It is rather simple really, the one thing that exists and is always there even when it's not. It's what I reflect upon at any moment and no matter the time that passes and the changes that are made i will always have a Kiddo and baby. For years my life has not had a straight path, hell there was barely pavement but I knew my direction and as long as I didn't stray too far from that line I could make it. I could keep on keeping on. I knew what it is I had to live for. I knew what had to be maintained, what needed to be fulfilled every day so that I could get to the next. We all live for our kids, at least I hope so to an extent. That we want them to be happy and grow up to be as or more successful than we are. I never understood the concept of wanting more for them because there is no reason to belittle your life and all they you gave for them. Here's where those in the know might question my methods and even those not. The consistency does not mean they are the fallback. They are definitely not that. They are consistent: so much that I ran and kinda forgot to say bye to...people. Yes, people. Not that is not understandable but damn I love my kids. Parent to parent I understand the time that is devoted, I understand the hold people have and the non-negotiable standards people set forth but this does not mean I do not have a life. Again, this is about consistency and finding something that you can invest in. Something that will be there and it may not always be faith, friends, family or even your rebellious kids because they will grow up. They will start to have their own lives, then what? To live life you have to understand some basic principals. You have to understand life can change in a moment and there is absolutely nothing you can do about. No you cannot be realistically prepared to handle anything but hopefully you have started to surround yourself with people that can help. Things will not always get better in a foreseeable future but things will also not get any better just sitting around waiting for it. I spent many years in the dark but here I am, still rebuilding, taking it slow and appreciating what has been given to me. One week, at a time. A day is too short and you gotta make some plans. The consistency is that I try to do something a little different every day. I try a little more to be better in any aspect. This allows me to hit on all the fronts because your health is important. If you are not happy, if you are not taking care of yourself then how can you take care of others? If all that time is theirs, when is it ever yours? I love what I have but if everything, and I mean everything, was for them then I would have hit a wall a long time ago. Yes there's still some demolition going on but you pick your battles and here I am at the edge of mine. I have two amazing little dudes, supportive family not too far, a great job, acceptance to a graduate program, a revitalized attitude in the Navy and...ghosts. (: