A little about me kinda sorta maybe

July 30, 2019  •  Leave a Comment

Happiness comes in small doses. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you love it, let it go. So many little sayings I have never been a big fan of. Small doses makes sense in some aspect, like this. I am getting back into my groove because I have no fucking clue what I am doing here and therefore taking it in stride. An entry here and there not to mention my micro posts on Instagram spread out, not forced. Check it out @bluardec, ya know, if you like that sort of thing. It's like this but TL;DR. On the note about my cluelessness I want to talk about me. Not everything is a lesson, right? Sometimes things can just be reflection of the events in our lives and what we take or you take is up to you. Sometimes there is a lesson and other times it just a moment to enjoy. I want to enjoy these moments. I want to be able to look back and laugh, enjoy and reminisce. 

I was looking back on my Instagram today actually, seeing the slow start of this and @Bluardec only to realize my Instagram started off really slow. I was single digits well into double digit posts. Half naked women help and shooting concerts seem to be more popular than abandoned but it is growing. The thing is, I don't care. While I would love for this to turn into...well something, it's going to take time to get there. For now, my life has so much different than it was over a decade when I regularly kept a journal and even different from just a couple years ago. It's positive. I feel every time I used to write it was about something wrong in my life and here I am writing about my happiness. I'll tell a story next time, let me ramble for now. I am happy and it is not one single incident. It's not what I know you all, all 7 now, are thinking. It helps, don't get me wrong but I was happy before. I have been happy for awhile. Maybe it's just that the light is getting brighter, the air is a bit fresher, the giggles echoing louder and the time spent is so simple yet significant because that is what I have wanted for so long. Maybe it's having a great job, losing weight, rediscovering things I love, doing things without resistance and just being me for once in a long time. 

Time. It is truly a precious gift and yet we spend it so freely like there is an abundance. Maybe in my old age I have come to realize things or maybe it's the many experience in my youthfulness that show how quickly things can come and go. How time is ever fleeting and we really need to understand and enjoy what has been given to us. Don't be reckless with other people's time. Don't put up with those who are reckless with yours. If you recognized that, you're old enough for us to be friends. Haha. Still, it holds true because your time is precious. I wasted so much of it, not with her, but waiting. Never ending hope that something can change, that she can change and get her shit together. That is no longer my concern. You cannot erase memories and you should not erase the good ones despite how tainted you think they are. It is all time. Time to heal, to experience  and thrive despite what fa...life has thrown at you. We need our alone time. We need our healing. We need our hobbies and we need out outings. Por qué no los...cuatro? This is my advice I extend to me. This is what I would tell young me that despite the hurt and the pain you go through, remember when you took a break? Remember how no matter what you had to do, you made time for yourself? You would watch some TV, play a few games or just chill and get lost in your thoughts. I worked 2 jobs and went to school full time. I had essentially 2 days off, Tuesday to Thursday evening but that was for school while the other days were back to back jobs and 4-6hrs of sleep but dammit if I didn't enjoy a couple hours of freedom to maintain sanity. Sure I was tired and sleep deprived but I was young and vivacious. I had a life to live and I know I screwed up. I know I flunked out of college, lost the scholarship and so many things that were making life easy but I could either take the time to recover or dive back in and recover as I went along. 

Here I am now remembering that, albeit a bit late, but never the less owning it so that no matter what happens it is not the end. This is still very much the beginning of everything with a few side paths I am keeping an eye on. Hell, I have even applied for new jobs. Suicidal I know since school starts next month, accepted for a graduate's in Public Relations thank you, and just with everything else but I'm good. My happiness is no longer based on just what I want to do, well rather what I want to do no longer requires just me. Sometimes there is simplicity in company. Sometimes you don't need even need the company or it's not physical. Mostly I just stay up really late and wake up early but it's a nice notion that all things can be broke down so easily. Seriously though., Fortnite and mobile games are about to take backseat to school for a couple of years and my free time will be taken plenty by the loves of my life. I have plans again. It's nice to have plans. I haven't had plans in forever! Do you remember this future me? Are we still there? Did the PMA stay intact? I hope so. 

I took the "small doses" note to write about later on an entirely different topic. This was not suppose to be about me, I don't write about me, not blatantly at least and yet here we are. Rambling about nothing, that I am loving life and enjoying my time. That I don't have any to waste but it does not mean I won't invest. That's my own gamble. That's your gamble. Is the juice worth the squeeze? You can only hope because you won't know til you try. You have to take risks. Your time is yours but like money, if you want more or you want to enjoy it more you gotta risk it for the biscuit. You have to invest and hope that return is worth it, even if it's not for the long run or not how you thought your long run would turn out, you plan and damn well make sure you enjoy. I've enjoyed it and there is still so much more to come. As much as time flies, it really crawl and here I wait for news on jobs, moving and when I will get to use Fiverr finally! Well, I have been dabbling a bit int hat field, maybe I can just do it myself. Always fancied myself a true artist of many forms and I am never one to let others do my work. Hell, I would have shot my own wedding if I could. Only 2 cameras then.

*cough* Which one? *cough*




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