And here we begin...again.

July 18, 2019  •  Leave a Comment

I told someone I should start writing again. I miss it inconceivably and with school soon to start, it may not be bad practive to get in the routine of time in front of a screen typing instead aimlessly striving for Victory Royales and loot boxes. Not that it isn't fun, we cannot deny ourselves the basic pleasures in life wheather it is something as simple as video games and other forms of technological entertainment or our general primal needs. Sex people, keep up. Here's a truth, and maybe tying this to my photography site is a bad idea but the reality is I have moved from a professional field of clients to more a personal side doing my own thing and a future clientele that would not care at all. That is neither here nor there at the moment. The truth is that life has not been the same for years and only recently have I realized what it is to be me. What it is to know who you are, what you want and hopefully soon the have the confidecnce to keep going for it. It is no secret by now I am going through a divorce with...naw, no details. I loved her. I still care about her, no doubt always will but we will leave it at that. I generally always care about people whether we were once friends that ended poorly or just grew apart. These past years I have lost a lot of friends but felt I grew closer to others. Life isn't weird that way, that is really just life. 

Recently I have experienced this. I refused to believe things work out in such a way that I am lucky. I mean, I am and grateful and been happier than I have been in awhile but the reality is these things did not happen because I sat around waiting for my life to fix itself. I took charge, I changed my habits, created new goals and really dove into what I wanted my life to be. You make do with the time you have, one of the big reasons (I do not condone or say this is healthy by any means) sleep is always on the back burner. I get the sleep I need to function and especaily for some of the things I do, I just know I do not need 8-10hrs and would rather spend the morning up and out than staying in bed. Maybe. All depends on whom I am in bed with I guess but that will come later. Hopefully she would not mind getting up and out as well but we are not there yet. Patience. That's what it is all about these days. Patience does not mean you cannot take charge but it is understanding that Rome wasn't built in a day. It is about knowing your non-negotioables and then understanding there is flexability in everything when it seems right because in time, it will all work out in end. If it hasn't, well you're not  at the end. Damn, that horribly cliche'd but you get it right? I do not have time to waste but if there is I am intersted in that the world works at its pace and not mine. Aye, there's teh true rub of it all. The end all be all reasons why anyone does anything and more specifically why a guy does anything, but that is not how it started.

This is an intro piece so let's do this one and only time. Several years ago my life flipped topsy-turvy upside down and I fell hard so much that my friends at work truly noticed. I could not hide it if I wanted and I apologize for that. I went through the steretypical phases of depression, sloth, feeling trapped etc etc. Thank you to those that stuck by. I don't think I ever really said although at some point I am sure I have mem'd it or did something overly generic. I do not hide behind memes, it is just a result of not caring. Wait, I am jumping ahead. As life went on something changed when signatures were made and someone showed me life has possibilities. It does not have to end here in this timeline but it does have to end in this place. VA was very very hard move, more than some may ever know and understand. Never the less I moved to Florida, became a civilian and suffered at the hands of job availability thus winding up in Melbourne. Initially I had all kinds of plans to get out but after being stucked somewhere, Stockholm syndrome sets in and you realize it ain't all bad. Really though, when your life appears to be falling apart and now you are being placed further from family support, it hits you. That wasn't it though. I thought I needed something to be me. To rebuld myself or rather have someone do it for me. Faith and my beliefs are a topic for another day but clearly there was a different plan. That in the form of some hardcore nerve damage which led to a doctor running tests and saying,

"Hey, um your sugar level is stupid high and you are just not in ahealthy state at all. Something seriouly needs to change."

So I did. I changed. I changed how I eat, I changed my attitude to allow for that to happen and stay true to my goals that I have set out to achieve. Gues what, I did. Losing 30lbs can really change how you feel about yourself and motivate you to do things you never thought you could. I am by no means saying it is the catalyst of all things to look healthy, skinner etc but I am not going to say it part of 2 basic rules to live and succeed by.

Rule #1: Be attractive.

Rule #2: Don't be unattractive

I joke, mostly. Either way it was more a byproduct of losing weight, being happy with it and being happy with myself. I acheived a goal I did not really think I could. I acheived something real for the first time in a long time and it was not sympathy, it was not sucking up nd it was not given. It had to truly be earned by discipline and, can you guess it? Patience. When I say I will wait, I can wait. I am not in a rush and in fact do not care to be ever again. I have a lot to do, there is little time but in the end it is the journey. It is the regrets that make us stronger, that make us strive and sometimes make us regret the moment overactually doing or not doing what we could have. I try not to regret in a negative sense. I do not dwell on it with the what ifs anymore. I enjoy everything for what it is. I do not deny myself dreams and fantasies but understanding reality helps keep your head out of the clouds by realizing gravity exists and no matter how high you go, you won't see the end. That's because Earth isn't flat. 


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