When it happens it hits hard, harder than you can imagine whether it's something in high school, amicable but not easy or nasty and drawn out to no end, there will be stains or better yet scars that you cannot get rid of. We'll try though won't we? To end we are going to cut off what we can, disappear from the routines we once had and no longer visit those spots we once cherished. Shows, songs, artists, movies, locations, adventures and even whole cities possibly just gone and wiped from memory as best we can. To be nothing more than lingering ghosts that come and fade away like a thin veil of fog in the morning. Still dark that the cloudy covered headlights make out what's there just before you pass through it and like that it's gone again. It lasts so long though and while it is something that seems to come and go, it lingers around for a bit and just as you think you're out of it, another morning another drive. What did you give up? Did you ever get back to it?
For me, there's a nice lists of songs that I actually very purposefully listened to just to cry. Felt better like I wasn't keeping it all inside just to mess shit up later that day. If it was not on my time, when would it hit so I took control. I was not aware that this was my first step in becoming who I am today. That it was knowing there and then I was not going to let my grief and depression control my life, well entirely. It wasn't like I gave up anything great, just my favorite show of all time, a few special places that I have been back to, but mainly construction did not leave it quite as I remembered so nothing there is really the same for me. Ah yes, that show...well, the music. I mean, it's like Elton John sang,
"Turn on those sad songs when all hope is gone...and it feels so good to hurt so bad and suffer just enough to sing the blues."
First step to solving the problem is addressing you got one. I never did let my boys see me weak, never intentionally at least. I am still human, I still held them close and did what I could but I knew what I had to live for. What I had to crawl out for and it may have taken me several years, but here I am. Unfortunately like any Millennial I can still be TRIGGERED but hey, can't heal everything right and of course those are a little closer to the heart and two little monsters I have. Still it's nice to listen and sing along as I once did reflecting more on what those songs represent and how they got me through something and no longer relying on their essence? to get me through the day. I don't cry. I reflect, I ponder and I regret (tune into my Instagram @bluardec for thoughts on that) but I do not cry anymore, about that. Jimmy Eat World is still the artist of my life. They woke up something inside of me when I came back from Italy, they helped map and scribe my life in college only to come back for strong reunion some years ago feeling me with everything I felt that fateful Veteran's Day. There was always something to define the day, month, the rebuild, the hard nights, the random adventures, the change that come sundown after a night drive the world we loved was forever gone.
With all that I am back to low skips, just depends on the mood, and jamming along to something smooth, soft, heavy, snappy and even occasionally some twang. To be honest, there wasn't a lot lot I wouldn't watch, just movies I watched for the same reason I listened to certain songs. Nothing ever really was like that except one. I won't go into details but before it goes off Netflix I should probably binge several times. I mean, I have all 10 seasons on DVD anyhow, what kind of FRIENDS would be if I didn't have both each box set and collector's edition set with all 10 seasons. Could I be any more into it? Probably. I may have went to a few trivia nights and dominated but whatever. It's not like i used freshwater eel for help. It has actually been almost 3 years since I tried and couldn't get through the 1st season. It is beyond stupid and honestly I could binge it now but with The Boys, Jessica Jones (I'm so behind but does it really matter now?) and other shows I just don't chill and watch something I have memorized. Still though, it was thing and now it's not.
Young men make points so here's the thing, you are going to have scars. You are going to try to hide them and they are going to burden you for a time but you will learn that they are a part of you and there to remind you of what happened in the first place. Do not hide them, face them and if need be make sure others no because old wounds can open and fester if not acknowledged. Things happen, we have a footprint and realize it is not the end. It is never the end. We are immortal before our time, so make sure that time is allowed to continue for as long as it can go. Enjoy yourself, rise above and keep up that positive mental attitude.
Seriously though, if you made it through this and have an Instagram, come follow me @bluardec where I try my best are big messages in small entries.