Welcome to my Incoherant Ramblings

It's kinda like ghosts

July 21, 2019  •  Leave a Comment

Seeing how and when this all started, it will not be a shock but rather an interesting recollection how some things never change and how you live long to become the villain and back again. People can always say it isn't about what happened in their life, that it hurts but doesn't affect them yet it is simply a cover up for the things most people cannot admit to. Sometimes we curl up into the dark and just sever the tie before it causes any more damage. Then there are the cynics. Those that want to face their beast but with words of hate, regret and infiltrate others so they are not alone in the pain. I really never cared for this topic and I did not think to get into it so quickly but the reality is this time it is different. It's kinda like ghosts. 

I love ghosts. The supernatural is such a mysterious thing all the while being vague, the idea and concept of something more is so intriguing because why not? Why does it hurt to believe or be open to the concept of something we cannot understand? We actually all do anyhow, generally speaking. I speak generally a lot. Do not try to tear it apart. That is my job on other mediums. We do though and it can happen in an instant or something totally planned to be unplanned and well, there it is. We are talking about it now. Ghosts. So many can claim an experience or have something suspicious happen to them and yet they may still not quite believe. It can be really hard to but the there is so much to disprove it even happened in the first place. I am a huge believer in the possibility but never really had a solid encounter or incident that I could say has pushed me one way or the other. It is still just a thing despite the disappointments. 

You can plan and have everything ready; the right instruments, the setting and even practices that you have learned and guess what, nothing. It all still falls apart despite the time and effort you put into it. Ghost Hunters had nothing on you and yet it was just a waste of time. The good news, the take away because there always should be, was that it was fast. You realized quickly nothing was going to happen and even if it did all your preciously prepared equipment started acting weird and was to reveal it came with 3rd party batteries over some good old company models. That is your take away. You have learned and can not access and set off to try again. Something new, something fresh that cannot be confused with creaks from the wind.  Now you are having luck. Now you can try, albeit a bit dark in methodology, find the next fresh scene and keep this up for some successful experiences and hopefully an endgame. Then you have that first big experience that can really help but the problem is you have high that has taken you over. It is apart of you, seeping through pores trying to find a refresher to avoid the epiphany at the end. There is no end. This is life, this is it and patience can pay off, you do not have any. Then you get it. It was not enough. It could not fill you the way you perceived earlier, the way you see others achieve their goals and continue on with their lives living it out no matter the outcome. How do you achieve this? How do you, do you? Here we are again, back at the basics ready to get out and try but it is not the endgame. It is not the incredible feeling that overwhelms you when you know you are close, when you can feel it crawling up your skin that you are on to something yet rather the feeling you got before that. The idea of it. The things that could be, that may happen there and then but hey, if it doesn't you are good. There are more haunts to explore, more places to try and keep on keeping on. This not mean you have to go out and do all this, it is just if someone does but as said, sometimes even the most most planned can have an unexpected surprise or there you are enjoying the extra time given to you that day when it is there. The chills, the touch and it is just enough to arouse suspicion but you know better. It is not that you ignore but neither chase to see because you are in that moment understand what it is that just happened. Where do you go from here. Can you walk away like nothing happened? Should you? You want to believe, there is reason and you are not just going to stop like it doesn't exist, but this time you are approaching it from a different perspective. You will better understand, comprehend and deal with it when it happens. It is back to that journey because sometimes the destination is great but can be stale. Remember how you got there and remember why you are the way you are now. If you don't, welcome to the same old mistakes. We do not do that anymore. Right guys?

See, it's kinda like ghosts.

Someone asked me...

July 19, 2019  •  Leave a Comment

I am a dumbass. I would be a jackass, but only if, well maybe I just wanted to reference a favorite movie. Never the less, I remain a dumbass. With this and the question I was asked I know, as I generally do, turn a lot of people off with this topic but today someone asked me if I believed in God, Jesus and all that. It's weird because this is what pastor's preach about so often, that as Christians and followers of God people should not be asking this, they should just see it. I wanted to wait on faith because I never was a big fan of fate and there were other things to talk about but as fate would have it...I was asked that question but what I consider a good friend. I did not take long to describe how I felt and my belief is a simple one, yes I do but, my faith in humanity and the people that hold such a torch barely exists. It ties to everything from 3 years ago and you would think I would or should be over it but I have found life so much simpler when you cut out the politics. Let's get back to that though.

Faith. Belief. Everyone has them. I am so far from anti-science but if you think that's not faith or belief, you need to reevaluate your own abilities. Last I checked, you were not able to prove any of that, show it or comprehensibly explain it from your own experience. You just choose to believe. Reality is, it does not really matter, generally speaking, just that it is how it is and we act accordingly. Sure some things are more visible; gravity, designs of vehicles, pollution etc etc, other things we just have to accept, especially space, but how does that affect us? It doesn't but it's REALLY cool to know. So that brings me to God. Yes, I believe. Yes, I lost my faith for a bit but more so in myself and that I didn't deserve anything.

Weird, you go away for 4 hours, enjoy life and realize that talking about losing your faith and gaining back in the same night seems, convoluted. 

Either way this is not what I even wanted to talk about. Today has nothing to do with faith because I have that. I believe in something and i hope you do too. We should all believe in something but not so much that when reality hits or changes are made it lets you down. It hits you so hard that you can barely get up. You cannot breathe, you cannot see nor comprehend how this world functions with such a loss. You know why this happens to you? It is ridiculous simple, wrong and misplaced but we will sum it up every time as Fate would have it. Fate. A comprehension that is impossible to make. Was it fate that a storm gave an excuse that never came or was it fate that provided the right questions as the right time to again, share in that extra time. 

Quick plug for my Instagram where I write smaller excerpts. @lastshot.photo @gnate_c Look, I'm still settling into this alright?

Time. Oh wait, another time. Fate. We can fight it, we can pretend it does not exist, which it doesn't, does it? Luck, coincidence and chance are all just things that happen to happen when we need it, perhaps occasionally when we want, but could it not be fate? Could it not be that,

"hey, you were going to have that anyhow."

I do not believe in Fate, so no. It just happened to happen, I saw what was presented in front of me and took it. I make the excuse because i knew what that night would be. I knew that road, I have been down it often and unlike before I have something to lose or maybe I am just aware of it more. The whole, we are not there yet, my bad. The possibility was not in stone but the most likely outcome in the long run was not desired. I only deal in long runs these days in a world that can barely see past their weekend. That remains me, I have plans in a couple weekends and more after that. A story still to develop but a long run that matters. Friends matter. This is why I should not take breaks. I have have faith. I do not believe in fate or divine intervention for that matter and um, friends matter. Those true long term friends that you can call, text whenever and they are there for you. Those friends that actually worry and inquire into your life to know what is going on despite the humidity and how vague I make these damn things.

And here we begin...again.

July 18, 2019  •  Leave a Comment

I told someone I should start writing again. I miss it inconceivably and with school soon to start, it may not be bad practive to get in the routine of time in front of a screen typing instead aimlessly striving for Victory Royales and loot boxes. Not that it isn't fun, we cannot deny ourselves the basic pleasures in life wheather it is something as simple as video games and other forms of technological entertainment or our general primal needs. Sex people, keep up. Here's a truth, and maybe tying this to my photography site is a bad idea but the reality is I have moved from a professional field of clients to more a personal side doing my own thing and a future clientele that would not care at all. That is neither here nor there at the moment. The truth is that life has not been the same for years and only recently have I realized what it is to be me. What it is to know who you are, what you want and hopefully soon the have the confidecnce to keep going for it. It is no secret by now I am going through a divorce with...naw, no details. I loved her. I still care about her, no doubt always will but we will leave it at that. I generally always care about people whether we were once friends that ended poorly or just grew apart. These past years I have lost a lot of friends but felt I grew closer to others. Life isn't weird that way, that is really just life. 

Recently I have experienced this. I refused to believe things work out in such a way that I am lucky. I mean, I am and grateful and been happier than I have been in awhile but the reality is these things did not happen because I sat around waiting for my life to fix itself. I took charge, I changed my habits, created new goals and really dove into what I wanted my life to be. You make do with the time you have, one of the big reasons (I do not condone or say this is healthy by any means) sleep is always on the back burner. I get the sleep I need to function and especaily for some of the things I do, I just know I do not need 8-10hrs and would rather spend the morning up and out than staying in bed. Maybe. All depends on whom I am in bed with I guess but that will come later. Hopefully she would not mind getting up and out as well but we are not there yet. Patience. That's what it is all about these days. Patience does not mean you cannot take charge but it is understanding that Rome wasn't built in a day. It is about knowing your non-negotioables and then understanding there is flexability in everything when it seems right because in time, it will all work out in end. If it hasn't, well you're not  at the end. Damn, that horribly cliche'd but you get it right? I do not have time to waste but if there is something...one I am intersted in that the world works at its pace and not mine. Aye, there's teh true rub of it all. The end all be all reasons why anyone does anything and more specifically why a guy does anything, but that is not how it started.

This is an intro piece so let's do this one and only time. Several years ago my life flipped topsy-turvy upside down and I fell hard so much that my friends at work truly noticed. I could not hide it if I wanted and I apologize for that. I went through the steretypical phases of depression, sloth, feeling trapped etc etc. Thank you to those that stuck by. I don't think I ever really said although at some point I am sure I have mem'd it or did something overly generic. I do not hide behind memes, it is just a result of not caring. Wait, I am jumping ahead. As life went on something changed when signatures were made and someone showed me life has possibilities. It does not have to end here in this timeline but it does have to end in this place. VA was very very hard move, more than some may ever know and understand. Never the less I moved to Florida, became a civilian and suffered at the hands of job availability thus winding up in Melbourne. Initially I had all kinds of plans to get out but after being stucked somewhere, Stockholm syndrome sets in and you realize it ain't all bad. Really though, when your life appears to be falling apart and now you are being placed further from family support, it hits you. That wasn't it though. I thought I needed something to be me. To rebuld myself or rather have someone do it for me. Faith and my beliefs are a topic for another day but clearly there was a different plan. That in the form of some hardcore nerve damage which led to a doctor running tests and saying,

"Hey, um your sugar level is stupid high and you are just not in ahealthy state at all. Something seriouly needs to change."

So I did. I changed. I changed how I eat, I changed my attitude to allow for that to happen and stay true to my goals that I have set out to achieve. Gues what, I did. Losing 30lbs can really change how you feel about yourself and motivate you to do things you never thought you could. I am by no means saying it is the catalyst of all things to look healthy, skinner etc but I am not going to say it part of 2 basic rules to live and succeed by.

Rule #1: Be attractive.

Rule #2: Don't be unattractive

I joke, mostly. Either way it was more a byproduct of losing weight, being happy with it and being happy with myself. I acheived a goal I did not really think I could. I acheived something real for the first time in a long time and it was not sympathy, it was not sucking up nd it was not given. It had to truly be earned by discipline and, can you guess it? Patience. When I say I will wait, I can wait. I am not in a rush and in fact do not care to be ever again. I have a lot to do, there is little time but in the end it is the journey. It is the regrets that make us stronger, that make us strive and sometimes make us regret the moment overactually doing or not doing what we could have. I try not to regret in a negative sense. I do not dwell on it with the what ifs anymore. I enjoy everything for what it is. I do not deny myself dreams and fantasies but understanding reality helps keep your head out of the clouds by realizing gravity exists and no matter how high you go, you won't see the end. That's because Earth isn't flat. 

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